Slipped disc =(

I thought to myself, it was about time for me to get these back pains checked out. And so it was. When I was in KTJ Lower 6, my matron took me to see a specialist in Seremban. I took an X-ray and he prescribed me strong medications. Tramadol was so strong that I couldn't stop vommitting on the day of my Cambridge Interview. How humiliating, but the past's the past. I have moved on.

Last week I made an appointment with a specialist in a certain specific hospital in my area and the doctor told me it was just my bad posture giving me pains as a result of muscle inflammation. I was relieved. No cause for concern right? Then there was more. The MRI scan to confirm that everything was actually alright. Too bad it wasn't all sunshine for me. The scan revealed a central disc herniation ( I'm not a med student so forgive me for the technicalities ) In other words, a slipped disc. Round my L4/L5 area? Yeah somewhere there. But I want to get a second opinion. I want to see a chiropractor. But I don't have the time.

I'm blaming it on myself, obviously - this must have happened while I was packing my things, clearing out my room in Year 1. I lifted all those heavy boxes by myself, and Cheng immediately gave me a hand when she got back. Yes, bloody back pains from lifting heavy things. Now my poor back is injured thanks to the excessive strain. Fortunately I do not need surgery, the doctor merely suggested physiotheraphy. But how am I supposed to sit still knowing something inside me is not right? All the more reasons not to look forward going back to the UK, dragging my luggage around London. My poor lumbar.

So here I am, resting at home on a Saturday. But not that I mind though, the weather lately has been unbearable. I try my best not to use the air-cond but lately I feel like the air around me is burning so I just need to have the air around me cooled. I know now I want to go back to the UK for a better temperature, but I know later on I will want the sun again. But really, I just can't take the heat. It's beyond unbearable. It doesn't help either that I'm thirsty and hungry. I don't want real food, I just want sweet things to munch on.

Speaking of which, I have approximately one more week before my flight back to London =( Definitely not looking forward to that. I'm going to miss the nightlife here, which is something England can never give me. And cheap food, obviously. And I could never get comfortable sleeping in a single bed. There's just no space. I'm gonna miss everything about home. True enough, its just perfect for me. Everything's perfect, except for the weather. Sigh. Global warming global warming. But enough of blog-whining, I'm off to enjoy Saturday tv. They better be showing something worth watching.

and Ramadhan kicks in...

That's right. Before you know it, its that time of the year again. The fasting month. Of course, naturally being one who drinks too much plain water, my body is still struggling being water deprived for almost 13 hours on a daily basis. The recurrent headache therefore forces me to spend most of my fasting hours in bed. But hey, home is where the heart is.

So anyways, I'm glad that this year I'm spending half of Ramadhan here in Malaysia, before I fly off to London on the October 1st. This will be my second year celebrating Raya abroad. Sobs T.T but I survived last year just fine, so this year will be no different.

Since its that time of the day when you're beyond hungry, it is inevitable that you want to buy every single food item on sale in the Food Bazaar. And who can blame you? You're practically spoilt for choices, especially since the bazaar 10 feet away from my house has 200 stalls. Practical? I think so. But here's the real deal after Buka Puasa: You realise you don't have all the space in your stomach to accommodate for all the food you bought earlier on =) Typical. So here I am blogging after my buka puasa, all full and contented. I had my favourite "nasi kaya", and now my sugar level is back on the rise. I'm happy, and that's good.

I have less than 2 weeks before my flight back to London. I haven't packed. I can't be bothered. I'm not looking forward to those long flights, boring transit waits and immigration. I just wish I could orb into my flat in Durham, and unpack my things. Yeah, dream on.

The only productive activity I've done all summer was to meet up with old friends, and that was good fun. As a result, I'm close to being broke =( So, its pretty much staying at home till sept 30.

Who am I kidding? I thought I could update my blog but I'm really not in the mood. I'm off to msn gossip. Later!

My Summer?

Oh dear, I didn't even blog in my own birthday month.

And now, it's creeping into September. But I'm quite excited about the upcoming Ramadhan!!! At least I get to fast more days this year, as compared to last year which was barely 4 days.

So anyways here's the cold hard fact - my summer had been very very unproductive. Although at times it could get annoying, with apathy and sense of nothingness crawling in, but that was pretty much how I intended my summer to be. Care-free and jobless.

Well maybe not so much. I'm going to see an orthopaedic tomorrow, hoping to make my back pain go away. Apparently the previous one told me I could have worn too much heels, thus resulting the back pain. De nada. I've been wearing heels so much less! I don't feel the need to be taller, because I believe I am tall enough, naturally. Besides, according to Azman I 'bounce' to much when I wear heels. Can't help it. As a retired model, I still have the walk. You sad losers can wear a 5-inch heels and still look 'kampung' in them. I wear a simple 3-inch heels and I'm already afraid of the overwhelming attention I get. Superstars are born baby, they're not made. So this is when I clearly say out my favourite quote - You can take the girl out of a 'kampung', but you cannot take the 'kampung' out of her. And my dear friends, this is indeed true and will stand through the test of time.

What's with this sudden self- esteem rush? Quite scary I'd say. So moving on, along the summer I've also rediscovered friendships. As much as I was tempted to physically assault some of my 'girlfriends' (oh yes, you know I can) for performing countless acts of backstabbing and false pretense, I held the urge. You may be a smug bitch, but I'm going to be the bigger person and still be friends to you. Because I'm so noble, and eventually you might be of some use to me after all =) So here's to using you as means to my end.

But anyways, I'm going to get my dinner. More updates coming, sooner than you think.

Pictures

So everyone's asking, where are your pictures? So now I'm saying here they are so shut up and stop asking. Here's from my Italy trip, Rome a.k.a. Roma. Pictures include Trevi Fountain (yes, you kids might recognise it from Lizzie McGuire The Movie), Banca d Italia, and loads more...
Rome, Day 2. Pictures obviously include the famous Colloseum a.k.a Colloseo. Vatican City and Museum as well.

And here we have Venice, Italy. Pictures include the famouse Rialto Bridge and Piazza San Marco, and of course, the magical gondola ride into the Grand Canal.

And this would be Edinburgh, Scotland. I'd choose to live here over London anytime.

Now that the pictures are up, shut up and stop asking for pictures! I'm not uploading anymore until my laziness period has passed!

Back Home Baby!

I am back in Malaysia, (finally, I know!) and I couldn't be anymore glad. Of course my jet lag was such a bitch, this time it took me slightly more than 1 week to recover, but now that I am fully recovered, I'm in Miri visiting my dearest Sayang Azman!!! N I'm going to be here all the way till 18th July. Mel tells me the Prefects' Reunion is soon after, but I don't know if I should go. After all, the point of reunion is to see those familiar faces when in fact, you see little kids whom 5-7 years ago could have never make it as a prefect even. The school must be really desperate, running out of exemplary students. But, none of it would concern me at this point. Plus, I want to enjoy my stay in Miri and keep it worry-free. Because it's also my break from the big busy city back home. It's so peaceful here I swear!! And I'm eating roti John every night! Only because they make the best here! They make other roti Johns look like nothing!

I'm still not sure whether I want to work or not. Of course I need the money, but I'm seriously beyond lazy to work. I'm not all that ready to slave myself for other people, even if the pay is good. My freedom is priceless. My leisure time cannot be substituted with higher pay. It doesn't work that way.

Also, I have loads of pictures to upload. Facebook is a good place to start, but then again I'm too lazy. The summer break made me apathetic. Inactivity IS my activity right now. Furthermore, I don't need to upload pictures everytime after an outing, just to announce to my world out there that my life is just so damn happening, unlike yours. Pictures don't lie, yes, but you'd be amazed at what people do just to take pictures. The more pictures I have, the more people I know, the more happening my life is. Hmmmm... that's definitely not my philosophy. Internet back home is so slow, it takes forever to load any page. Thank God its faster here in Miri- the wi-fi town. Prolly cos its not so congested as compared to Subang. God, I can't even download anything nowadays.

So here I am, blogging on a Sunday afternoon because my boyfriend downstairs won't budge from Astro Channel 78. Gah. What is it with men and wheels? In the end, they still look for women to be satiated, don't they? So obviously we women are the higher pleasures as compared to low pleasures such as cars and hi-tech gadgets.

On another note, I've decided to drop PPE (Philosophy, Politics and Economics), my pride and joy, the ultimate love of my life. NO more. Goodbye Triple Honours. First I dropped Philosophy, leaving me with Joint Honours of Economics and Politics. I know, it makes me sounds very intellectual and powerful. And there's this "wow" effect attached to it. However, they have certain policies I don't see myself abiding by. So, I decided to switch to straight Economics. But of course, I'll still be doing Politics modules. Only not so much. Besides, now I feel more belong, since I belong to one department and one department only. Yours truly, Economics department. Before this I have to admit it kinda sucked having 3 departments to belong to and yet none of them could be bothered to take care of you. I mean, how could they? You don't even know which department you belong to yourself, right? Ah but I'm just so glad that I'm all done with the whole process of endorsements from releasing and receiving departments. I'm born to be an economist baby, and I promise to make the world a better place. In relative terms that is.

So anyways I'm gonna get some dessert. God knows when I'll blog next. Sunday afternoons are meant for relaxation-related activities, and for that I'm allowed to indulge in sinful sweets and any food that gives that orgasmic after-effect. Unlike England, in Malaysia, good food is literally everywhere. And cheaper, too!

Typical Sunday Night In

So it wasn't summer yet in Edinburgh. Like duh, the further up north, the colder it gets. So there I was with a normal spring-like jacket and a tank top heading to Edinburgh. I got down at Waverley Station and shivered immediately. To make myself feel better, I bought myself a hot cup of chocolate, with whipped cream and marshmallows. And added 4 sachets of sugar. obviously. Life is good again.

Cheng, being the Edinburgh addict had her guidebook ready, asking me where to head first. I thought, let's get the Castle over and done with. She agreed, and poor girl, had a hard time stopping me from entering every single souvenir shop. I just can't help it, it's in my blood. After the Castle, we were off to the 10 ten places to visit in Edinburgh, according to the guide book. God bless the fact that everything was within walking distance. The one we left for last, which I also thought was the best, which naturally was the place I spent the most, the Palace of Holyroodhouse. A girl's perfect dream, living in a giant castle, just like a princess. Took too much pictures that by the end of the day, both cameras died out of exhaustion.

So that was pretty much my Edinburgh day trip. Sorry Dash, I didn't call you cos I realised a tad too late that I didn't have your number. Lame, I know but that was the truth =)

So after one week of lots and lots of walking and very little rest, I'm done with travelling for the year (well, excluding my trip home, which is a nightmare I dread. Long flights just make my hair go berserk) I may have gone back home for the Winter, Easter, and now, the Summer break. I may have not travelled half as much as the rest even, but I did my share of travelling after exams and most importantly, I had fun going with friends, and not just tagging along with random friends I don't know all that well. As much as I want to go take a stroll and admire the Eiffel Tower of Paris, skiing in Switzerland, watch operas in Prague, I want to do it all with my Sayang Azman. Then again, when I'm with you, anyplace will do because the other pieces will fall into place by itself. So for the next few days, all the way till my flight home, I'm under my own house arrest. That would do a lot of good for me physically and financially!

This is classic me. When I'm bored, I blab a lot. Blabbing too much that sometimes I make ridiculous spelling errors. My flight back to Malaysia is on the 25th June, Monday morning. 8 days, and counting. Which means I need to start packing, but knowing me- I can't be bothered. Seriously. I could be lying down on the grass in Palace Green, eating ice cream, or simply watching movies in bed, everything else sounds so much better without ever being attached to packing.

But tomorrow afternoon I'm going to watch Pirates of the Carribean 3 with Cheng. Can't wait though! Nobody tells me anything about the movie or I'll break your kneecaps.

Actually right now I'm wondering how many of my friends are already back home. At times I wish I could orb. I don't want to go through the agony of long flights and turbulences. It's all such a nightmare. I want to be home without having to go through all that. These are the times you wish that Malaysia is close to London. Argh. But I might as well enjoy my 10 celcius here before I go back home to 30 celcius.

Right this second - I am craving for Saddlers' chocolate cheescake. I blame Laura for introducing it to me. Really I do. It's so freaking yummy, it makes Secret Recipe's Chocolate Cheese look like nothing. Then again, in Malaysia that's your best bet. Unless your boyfriend is a culinary chef to be *hint* *hint* then he can whip you up something better. If everything else fails, there's always a food fight to engage in ;)

And I also have this desire to watch Phantom of the Opera the musical again! It's so worth every pound! And I'm getting the dvd box set from amazon. But right now I'm going to make hot chocolate for myself and enjoy watching online shows. My typical Sunday night in. I might as well enjoy it before Monday Blues kicks in. So that's all for now!

Summer, are you here yet?

I came back from my Italy trip exhausted and slightly tanned. Too much of margherita pizzas made me bloat. Eating ice cream (gelato in italian!) after lunch whilst touring around Rome and Venice was fun! After spending several nights both in Italy and London, I'm beyond exhausted. I still am, and I'm still sleeping only 6-7 hours a night (I need at least 8). Tomorrow however, is my day trip to Edinburgh. Tired, but looking forward to it.

I finally watched Phantom of the Opera during my last night in London. I pre-booked my ticket because I wanted the best seat, which I did, in the stalls - it was 4 rows away from the stage! I could see every detail, every setting and every prop clearly. Imagine sitting in the upper circle. I paid 53 quid and it was worth every damn pound. I did cry, and so did the others. And truth is, I have every intention to watch it again. Once is just not enough. It's just so freaking addictive. And this won't come out as a surprise to my mom, I bought the Prima Donna t-shirt and the programme booklet. Usually I'd grab the CD as well but I already have the whole soundtrack in my iPod.

It's less than 2 weeks now! I can't wait to go back to Malaysia. So I went back during Easter and Winter, but I still miss home! Although it can get blazing hot and the heat, sickly annoying, I still love home on top of everything else. The weather is usually constant. No fluctuations in temperature. It's not summer today and winter the next day. Because that is what it's like here in Durham. Still freezing. Isn't it summer already? Why is it 12 Celcius still?

Addicted...

I am not ashamed to admit that I am addicted to Subway's White Chocolate Chip and Macadamia Nut Cookie. All this time, I've had it alongside sub-of-the-day and a 500ml bottle of coke for 3 quid. Cool deal, I know. So previously, I limit myself to one cookie per week. All this 'trying to save and be frugal with money' is really driving me insane. So then I started buying just the cookie, which costs 47p, but if I buy 3, it would be only 1.19 quid. So from then on I started buying 3 cookies everyday. I'm just so addicted to it. I can't help it.

I don't care if people say it's gross, whatever. I don't care if it's 10g of fat per cookie, or the fact that it could be half-baked. Well generally I'm a big fan of cookies. Although on the surface I prefer not to be called a cookie-monster.

Now that the exams are over, I'm still in shock. I've been enjoying my free evenings, indubitably, but I wonder how I'm going to survive for the remaining 21 days here. Well in between there's my trip to Italy, Edinburgh and good ol' London. No wonder I'm broke right?

Last night I went to the Combined Honours Party, held in conjunction with the end of exams!!! It was a champagne reception, followed by a bbq dinner on a boat, river cruise and disco on board, and lastly, the Grand Finale, Planet of Sound at the union. It was my night out after so long. And by that, I mean after so, so, so long. I earned my night out. I've returned all 12 library books. I have been studious haha!

I'm going shopping tomorrow and I know it will be therapeutic! Its been 6 weeks since I last went! I have yet to watch Pirates of the Carribean 3 as well, but I've been warned by Leen to wiki the previous 'duology' in order to understand the movie better.

At this point of time, almost everyone is selling of their textbooks. I've had seniors who did their degree without owning any books. But that's not me, I can't live like that. I need to have a book on my own, one that I can highlight those important points, and that I can refer back when I'm revising. With that, it means I assimilate with my books. I can't just sell my books like they never meant anything to me? Besides, its not like I've ever sold any of my books. None. Nada. I may buy second or third hand books from people and pay-less stores, but only to add to my collection. I can never sell any of my books! They're like my babies! No No No. Selling my textbooks are therefore never an option. (Of cos my mom goes behind my back and donate my textbooks to my little cousins- which I don't mind, but I really mind when she gives it away to the newspaper collection man for some spare change!) Besides, its not like I've read every single page of the book and memorise its contents? Although I could use the extra cash. Even then, there's no way I'm selling my 25quid Philosophy Ethics' book for half price or anything less even! Azman says that's the value of second hand books. All the more reasons not to sell.

Magazines are another form of literature I refuse to dispose no matter how old the edition is. It's still money isn't it? My sister knows well enough not to use my magazines for her art project. it will be a nightmare for everyone if she did!

This does not make me weird. Back off. I love collecting books. Except for those books whose pages smell funny they make me want to throw up, all and all I'm a book lover. Yes I am. And I'm proud of it! As much as I'm addicted to Subway's cookies, I'm addicted to my books and magazines as well, if not just as much, more even =)

Let's Accelerate Global Warming!

It's geting to end of May isn't it? One would think it should be at least warm by now. What is wrong with the English weather? So much for global warming. Spring is definitely not in the air. It STILL feels like winter here. It's sunny up north, and south (like duh), but it's still screwed up here. It was literally freezing this morning! Why?

I don't care what people will say, I'm going to help accelerate global warming when I get back home. This is so, that when I come back in Autumn 2007, it should be warm. But one can only hope, don't you think?

So whenever I feel hot, I will switch on the air-cond. I will use it without switching it off. If there are still CFC sprays in my house I will use it. Hairsprays will do good.

It is seriously unfair that it's freaking hot in Malaysia, (its like staying in a furnace) yet global warming seem to not be producing any effects here. What the hell?

Gah, anyways, I had my Ideas and Ideologies Politics paper earlier today. It was raining on my way there, and back. And it takes me 30 minutes to get there. Sat for my paper all wet and cold, and went back in the sad drizzle. Without any umbrella or hoodie head cover. But at least I got the paper done and over with. One more on Thursday afternoon, and the hardest of all, International Relations. I know, it sounds so posh right? But trust me, this is one module you do not want to take up. I've got to get back to foreign policies so I'll blog again after the exams. 2 more days till exam ends. Can't wait!

My Sweet Tooth

If you put 3 teaspoonful of sugar in your hot chocolate, raise your hand.

If you put 4 teaspoons in a small cup of tea, say aye.

If you need to put more sugar to a tea made for you, which by anyone's standard is beyond sweet, stand up .

If you put at least 6 teaspoons of sugar in a mug of tea, then I'll be so glad to know I'm not alone.

I have such a sweet tooth! Sometimes I worry that I'll get diabetes. No, its not like catching a cold I know, but at the rate I'm going, God knows. I need help. I need sugar in almost everything I do. Nobody puts sugar in hot chocolate - I know right?

Whenever anyone makes a drink for me, it's never right. It's always lacking sugar. For me, I will always need to add more and more sugar.

Well I've never actually tried to make the medicine go down by taking a spoonful of sugar, raw, but dear god.

And no, I don't get sugar high, not at all. I just get very pissed if my drink or dessert is not sweet enough. It's not worth it at all. I might as well not eat it. Carpe diem right? Seize the day. If you want to drink that hot chocolate, make sure you'll be satiated in the end.

I've always thought it would be better to die young (so Marilyn Monroe, I know!) and looking gorgeous, rather than old and miserable and ugly. To be fair, if you're the first to go among your friends and family, they will miss you and miss you for a long time. And they wonder why you had to go first when it could have been them. And people would be saying you have to let go and all. (I hope) (Nobody gets to lecture to me about Aristotle's eudaimonia concept - I'm dropping Philosophy!) But is it better to die young looking pretty or die old and lonely and ugly? In my defence, women have a longer lifespan than men, in general. Men's brain also tend to shrink faster than women. I didn't make this up, it's from scientific research I read. Yes, I read a lot! But that's not my point. All this death talk is devastating, but it does make me wonder at times. Most married women with great health are highly likely to end up alone. Somehow the husband will always die first.

But if the wife dies first, then I'm sure, I'll shave my head if I'm wrong, their husbands would gladly remarry. And gladly reproduce. (Excluding Azman of course!) Of course the very few ones become celibates and worship their dead wife by looking at their pictures everyday to keep their memories alive. They surely still exist. Such loyalty, is so rare in this world today. In the brink of extinction, I'd say.

That's besides the point. Considering the fact that it's close to bedtime, I stray away from the topic like its the most natural thing to do. Anyways, I've tried Pal-Sweet or Equal, anything that says 1/8 of the calorie as compared to sugar or whatsoever crap, but it didn't work. It's not as sweet, and it tastes terribly artificial. I need real, granulated sugar. And seriously, how could people drink their tea without sugar at all? I tried, but I can't. Yes Cheng, I admire you for doing it =)

I think I need help. But its ok, I think I drink enough water to detoxify myself. Would that actually help? Hmmmmm....

Damn the exams. If it weren't for the exam season I'd be eating a 10" peperoni pizza and having movie night with my girlfriends. I'm going shopping after my International Relations paper. And no one can stop me.

Monetarist Materialist

Oh dear god.

I've been broke for far too long. It feels like it's been over a year (you think I'm exaggerating but you can't even come close to what I feel) It's been a month since I last waited for my claim and it still hasn't been cleared. Entering week 5 now.

I have lost hope in money itself. I know it can buy me so many pretty things. I know it's my retail theraphy. When I'm depressed, I go shopping. That's the only way to prevent me from snapping at everyone for no reason (oh believe me, I will find a reason). Comfort food doesn't cut it for me anymore. Not that I'm getting fatter. Mind you I've been maintaining my weight and succeeded, despite my massive cheese intake from the salad bar at lunchtime. But that's not the point. The fact is that, I'm in great shape (well maybe not the greatest). I can wear sundresses, even those clingy ones and look fab-you-less (fabulous). But I'm beyond broke. Who needs money when you're fat? It makes you sad cos you used to be a size 2 but hell, not anymore.

I tend to babble a lot. My sayang understands. Anyhoo my main issue here, is that I've been broke for far too long! This does not reflect my inability to manage my finances. Hell I'm an Economics student, what do you expect? I'm not in debt, I haven't used my credit card, I've never used the bank's overdraft facility, cos seriously, who would have thought that I, of all people have learnt to be frugal with money, here? In UK! Trust me everyone back home thought it was a miracle. I used to be able to wipe out my bank balances from a 4-figure to zero! De nada! Not that I'm a rah, or not that I'm daddy's girl. I'm not rich at all. But it doesn't mean I don't know my limits. I do. Right now I'm waiting for my claim which by now I have zero faith of making it to my bank account. Really. Oh, at least I don't make Prada tops look like RM10 pasar malam item. It's just too bad you can't pull it off sweetie. I can be your full-time fashion consultant but if you don't have it, then you just don't! Period.

So earlier today I had my Elements of Economics paper. My first time sitting for a paper totally unprepared, I know, What was I thinking right? But I managed to pull through with my A-Levels knowledge. It will be fine.

Still. This is the umpteenth time of me whining when my money is ever coming???? I'm really getting pissed off. When I'm getting that money, I'm rewarding myself for the neverending patience.

Since I'm dying of boredom, I'm going to make a checklist of desires, and in one month I'll come back and see if I've actually bought any of these things. Because like I said, I'm losing faith in money. How bad do things have to be for someone to lose that much faith right? I know right? Fully. (Oh dear god, do I sound blonde?)

So anyhoo,

1. LG Prada - because I'm posh and I can make it look like a million dollars in my hands
2. Dior Shades - You don't want premature wrinkles, especially when your boyfriend is 18 months younger than you (ok baby, I'll let you get this one cos I know you love me to death)
3. YSL Cigarettes - this I can only get in Doha International Airport. Countdown - 35 days to transit flight back home. Designer cigarettes make smoking the 'in' thing, but seriously my sister is such a good girl to listen to me. Do not smoke. Well to be fair I started when I was 19. And I've quit. (With the exceptional of posh designer ciggies)
4. BCBG Maxazria Sundresses - cos I so need to wear them. They're oh-so-cheap in the States. Laura please take me there! Of course I need a visa first. Gah.
5. Hypnose Lancome - what else can I say?
6. Parker Special Edition fountain pen - so I can engrave AmnieAzman
7. River Island Dark Blue Jeans
8. Babyliss Hairdryer

This is going to sound ironic, but seriously, I'm not high maintenance. Not at all.

And I'm not materialistic. I'm a materialist. I believe in the existence of material things. Wow, I've found a new ideology for myself.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, AmnieAzman - the MONETARIST MATERIALIST.

Omg! What did Philosophy and Economics do to me? But you gotta admit, the Monetarist Materialist sounds better than Berkeley's Immaterialist Idealist.

Everybody should do PPE for their first year degree. It's so fun! What other combinations are cooler than Philosophy, Politics and Economics? I know right?

OMG I have got to stop typing my thoughts out loud.

Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary to you my sayang Azman boo boo! AmnieAzman is 17 months old now. Yet it still seems as if we just got to know each other yesterday. Words can't even begin to describe how much I love you. And I always will, till the end of time. You've showed me so much, and taught me so much more, more than I could ever learn on my own. I could never have done it without you. Thank you for always being there when mt spirits rise to the sky, and when I hit rock bottom. Your never ending support has always made me take that one extra step. It was always you I was looking for. It always had been you. I knew the moment we vowed to spend our lives together, I knew for sure, that it was you.

Happy Anniversary. It's such a pity we couldn't be physically together, but deep down we both know that this distance and time difference would only make us stronger. We will come out of this solid as a rock, and stronger than ever, because we both believe in us. And that's all we need. We just need each other to get through this. I will always be there for you, just like how you're always there for me. I promise =)

AmnieAdoraAzman

HeartLoveDesire

19 December 2005

Insomnia is like this, Life is like that

It's 2.30 am and I can't sleep. There's a lot going through my mind. It could be, that at this wee hours of the morning is when sometimes I get the most random thoughts. Inspirational or total crap, it really is a wide range. Truth is, I have insomnia, and it sucks big time. You get restless when you can't sleep. Which is why I would get really ticked off when I'm just about to fall asleep and someone wakes me up.

I'm really missing my Azman Sayang. I just spoke to him 6 hours ago, but I really do miss him. I just saw him last Easter break, just last month, but it seems like it was ages ago. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain. I gave my ultimate respect to my cousin who did it for 6 long years. And now they're married with a baby girl. And she's very much like me. People tend to think, when you're in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR), you tend to let loose. You do not need to know so much of what your partner's doing. Wrong. You just do your own stuffs as long as you don't hurt your partner. Wrong. You set a specific time for all that 7 days in a week for essential communication and abide by it. Wrong. You set out dos and don'ts for each other while you're away and follow them. Wrong. So wrong.

My LDR, is nothing like that. My LDR is special, more special than anyone else's. The distance kills. So does the time difference. Sometimes I always go against the way things are supposed to be, and you, my sayang will always tell me to work with things instead. It's true though, it is so much easier to work with things when you're going with the flow, rather then against it. And you've always been there for me. I can't start listing all the things you've done for me, I really can't. The list would never end, and tears will start trickling down in no time. Yes, call me emo or jiwang, I can get sappy. I'm human. I'm not that cold-hearted bitch who doesn't appreciate her boyfriend and his efforts. I'm not that cheap skank who goes around getting physical with other guys when I can only do it with you baby, and so much more comfortably. I'm not that sadist who goes out drinking and clubbing drowning my sorrows away when we fight. I am me, and that's the person you fell in love with. I'm conventional in many ways and you know that. I love you more than words can say.

Right now its creeping to 3 am. God, time really is passing slowly. I have my Philosophy notes staring at me, but my brain is too exhausted to work. Yet somehow there's this urge to blog. In my background I have my iPod on speakers, on a very considerable volume, playing songs from my 90's playlist. Oh how I miss good music.

Which brings me to something else that's even more random. The only 3 things I like about the Brits:

1. Muse
2. English muffins
3. British spelling (I prefer colour to color)

So this is the part where my random thoughts come out.

• My first paper starts on Monday. Not going to whine about anything on that area.
• Lake District is intriguing. I must see what the fuss is all about.
• I have this weird desire to go to Prague, but get this, only because it sounds so Vogue.
• Philosophy is an amazing subject to learn, but impossible to score.
• I have such a sweet tooth and I can't stop eating all sorts of sweets. But I really don't want to be diabetic.
• My dining hall's first dessert was strawberries and cream. I wonder why they stopped serving it.
• If the whites feel so superior about themselves, then why work so hard to get a tan? To change who you really are?
• Cheese does not have any place in the music industry today.
• I'm 1/16th British. Haha it is true. But I was never really proud of it. I don't see what the big deal is about.
• My so called 'American accent' is making the Brits turn their heads when they hear me talk.
• Which by the way, my American friend can verify that my accent is not American
• The Brits think that, if you're not speaking their English accent, then it must be the American accent. Or you're a Chinese trying hard to speak English
• I'm not kidding, this is really what most of them think
• And they think Malaysia is in Middle East
• Generally, I'm feeling really restless cos I haven't been shopping/spending for a long long time.
• And the next 3 weeks won't make things better.
• I miss eating my meals in KTJ's dining hall, when I sit facing baby Azman boo boo and watch him cut my lamb or steak for me
• The girls here are so jealous of my natural tan
• I'll tell you why, its cos I'm a Malay.
• More precisely, I'm actually Malay-Chinese-Siamese-Javanese-British.
• I love speaking Spanish to Yan Azman
• But he loves telling me he loves me in Dutch
• Everybody has their buttons. Find it and push it. Score.
• Hollywood is a big fat lie. The Hollywood movies are your typical fantasies. They will NEVER happen in real life.
• I have this weird desire to wear a white cotton baju kurung
• I miss seeing Azman waiting for me in the common room waiting for me after classes.
• I miss our study sessions baby
• Pancakes of Love.
• Designers seem to be inspired by pregnant women, and wait for it, the garbage bins. What's with all the silly clothes in the so called new line of thrashy clothes?
• My College Execs are so up their own asses. They think they're all that, but it's only cos we voted for them. Becos the last time everyone checked, they were ass-kissers. Normal right?
• I haven't gotten the chance to wear my sundresses.
• I'm wondering where the sun is.
• It still feels like winter
• English weather is crap
• I still like Britney Spears' music over any other sort.
• I'm not a rock chick, I'm a pop princess.
• I wonder what it'll be like to get your lips done. Is it the same silicone for the chest area?
• I may need a nose job. I blame it on my dad.
• Musical Lover I am. Phantom of the Opera, after my exams.

I should try and get back to sleep. But baby I miss you so much! =(

Apologies for any spelling/typo errors. It;s 3.27 am!

Things I Enjoy

This is very typical of me. As the exams get closer, I get lazier. God it's only next week! I don't even have the strength to sit at my table and study anymore because I simply don't want to. Last night, I went to watch Spiderman 3 with Aimee at our very own local Gala Theatre, Durham. Costed me only 3.25 quid. Not bad right? To be honest I expected better, but not that the show was all bad. It was too catchy, especially the part where Spiderman was running to save the world and accompanying him in the background, the American flag. And of course, Tobey Macguire gained some weight, so now you have the chubby Spiderman.

That should have been a good de-stress session right? But no, I tried studying after the movie, and ended up watching Desperate Housewives. Procrastination has become too much a part of me, I don't know what to do anymore. I just finished watching the latest show of Heroes with their typical cliffhanger ending.

Apart from wasting time watching online shows, I try to find myself better things to do, which would supposedly, make me a better person, perhaps? Maybe later. Right now, since I'm so bored, I'll just make a list of things I enjoy. In random order.

1. Talking to my darling Azman on the phone all day long
2. Included are msn and skype as well
3. Dinners when they served salmon
4. Watching my friends getting fat and ballooning up
5. Giving random miss calls to my sayang Azman
6. The whites who dress terribly, worse than any Malaysian ah-lians and ah-bengs, and rempits even
7. Wasting time with my laptop
8. Marks and Spencer chocolate teacakes
9. reading Eve, May edition
10. Checking my bank's online balance, hoping that one day Petronas will bank in my money
11. Randomly playing sentimental songs
12. Lunch and tuna salad
13. Rearranging things on my study table
14. Castle Great Hall's Formal
15. Not exercising, and not ballooning up at the same time (regardless the amount of my cheese intake at every meal time)
16. Laughing at snobs who think they're all that (at least my skin is freckle-free, and no, freckles do not make you look cuter)
17. Secretly condeming Asians conversing in that obvious indubitable fake British accent
18. Picking up the flaws of the Brits who discriminate against me and rub it in their faces. Hard.
19. Looking at idiots spend in Jack Wills
20. Blasting my funky speakers out loud together with my iPod. iLoveit!

And the ultimate one which I know I will enjoy is this; When I rub it really hard in the faces of the people who never thought Azman and I could ever make it. Not even for a month. It's been 16 months now and we're still standing strong as ever. Despite the long distance the passion never runs out.

So for the moment, it doesn't take a genius to see that I'm really really out of my mind bored. I wanna talk to Azman but he's catching up on his sleep. I really do miss him.

And one thing that I've observed, is the fact that I am still not free.

Not free to the extent that in order to get the highest grade for your degree, it all goes back to being smart when it comes to choosing your modules. Pick the posh, prestigious modules, and you'll end up suffering, cracking your brains trying to score, even if it's your most favourite module in the whole world. But pick a module where you have the advantage of some background knowledge, and score!

This isn't a very mesmerizing blog entry, I know. Prolly too controversial and too tilted towards the nonsense section. It's one thing to want to blog out your thoughts, and it's another when people attack your stand by provoking you. Know this, it is amazingly easy to critique. Try writing a controversial issue and see how you fend for yourself when the critics come pouncing on you. It ain't easy.

For all that's worth, I shall stop now. It's time I get back to reading Nietzsche's works. Definitely one of the things I do not enjoy.

Say What?

What is so sexy about guys with British accent? Seriously? NOTHING.

Shouting and singing out loud in 3 am is not sexy at all. No matter what accent it is. If anything, it is plain annoying, inconsiderate, a selfish act, self-centeredness certified and needless to say, the list goes on. If you consume far too much alcohol then seriously, just go to bed. It's really not nice to stay outside in the courtyard making so much noise. Did your parents not teach you anything?

According to a very trustable source ( obviously not me ), English guys are so boring. They're even bad kissers actually. "Boring kissers", I quote. When they talk, you fight to stay awake. That's how boring they are. They're so boring that they have to consume so much alcohol just to be interesting and friendly. For that one short-lived moment. And they think they're all so superior just because we don't speak the 'English' english. So? Sue me.

This goes out to all the males (deteriorated brain function) and jocks (brain malfunction) who have been singing and making noise in the courtyard all this time, shut the fuck up. You do not want to mess with me.

Especially during the exam season.

Exam Season

OMG.

It's been ages since I last blogged. I know. And I actually don't have an excuse this time.

The exam season is back. Everyone is hiding in their rooms behind their thick books. Well to be fair, I'm one of them. Sometimes I hate the fact that my degree is so demanding. I mean seriously, who sleeps only 8 hours a day and spend the rest of the hours reading? Most people don't even know how cohesive my degree is. Or what it stand for. Someone I knew thought PPE was Petroleum Engineering. Roight.

Some study a few hours a day. Some, uncountable. And the very very few minors; none. Almost everybody know I'm always in my room. Very few, however, know that I actually spend my time watching shows on YouTube or DailyMotion, because the idea of revising ticks me off. Its not that I need a reality check. I'm sick of studying because I've been doing that for the past 16 years, and I don't have the energy to go on anymore. But I know, I'm not ready to work yet, because I do not want to pay for taxes! Studying is often tiring, exhausting, and makes you hungry! Yes it does.

One of the reasons why I don't blog so often anymore, and this is for real: Tasha blogs out my thoughts. Seriously. Ideas I have that linger around my mind are either published, or will come out in her next entry. I know, great minds think alike.

And then there's her entry about wearing baju kurung. The last time I was back in Malaysia and went shopping, I was out shopping for cloth to drape my book racks. While browsing I came across the softest, most luxurious cotton ever! It was white, and oh-so-pure! And I know when I come back this summer I'm definitely going to get 4 metres of it and turn it into a classic baju-kurung. I will. Watch me. Alas, this year we can't celebrate Hari Raya in Malaysia ( that's kinda expected ) but I'm going to make more baju kurungs then ever! This is a healthy obsession- not that I'm becoming a traditionalist nor a purist, but fact is, I love being me, and I love my very own culture! So we Malays aren't all thumbs-up. But who cares? It's true though, "takkan Melayu hilang di dunia". Oh don't get me started on what we Malays are, and what we're not. I'm not 100% Malay, but I was brought up in that society. Tasha, we were all once snobs. It's good that we've come to the realization stage, and surprisingly we're actually becoming bigger people.

This is quite worrying because normally I'm in such a bitchy mood I can bitch about literally everything. I'm actually becoming a bigger person. I'm all so positive and beaming with hope.

I think I know why. I've been doing Maths for the last 2 days. Objectivity now makes me happier than anything else. I love knowing the fact that I'm right. Because I don't have to argue my case and justify every single damn belief I choose to hold on to. Because for the moment, I'm sick of Philosophy and Politics. Listening to music on my iTunes while revising my mathematical economic module and eating Marks and Spencer teacakes at the same time is giving me so much peace of mind. Forget about Ethics, forget about the United Nations. It's just me and my maths.

Which is really funny because I used to hate Maths so much.

Bored

I hate the way essays take over my life. Its those few weeks before end of term when people are out there having fun, and you're in writing your essays. Not that I want to go out, I just want the free time for myself, so I have the option of doing what I want and when I want it.

Out of 5 essays that I needed to do, I've done 2 so its a good sign. Its the second last week of term, and the week is ending, as obvious as it is.

But I love the fact that spring is coming or should I say, almost here! I have to say I'm really sick of cold weather and strong winds. There were daffodils growing near the castle keep. The weather's getting warmer. I can't wait for spring to come! Its a good excuse for me to go shopping for sun dresses and more shoes! And more tops! Believe me when I say all I have in my wardrobe are long sleeves. Well mostly. But I was, and am still known as the fashionista. I have my sense of fashion, I just keep it in, letting it out when the right time comes (obviously one of it is when my boyfriend comes to visit) I do not feel like I have to dress up just to prove to people I have money and a sense of fashion. Then again, its very subjective. Beauty is, after all in the eyes of the beholder. But I have to say, I am strongly against the supposedly 'in thing' right now: maternity gowns. Seriously. There's a reason why it is called so, duh? Big tummies are fugly, you feel that hiding it is of your utmost importance.( Well all of us are getting fatter ever since we arrive here in the UK, but seriously, there are other sort of clothes you can wear and look good in. I'm confused, isn't that what we all want?)

Hmmmm.... Maybe that's why I haven't been shopping. I haven't found the clothes that I like, even, what more love. Talk about bad sense of fashion. Who wants to wear drapes clumsily hanging on your body? Who wears heels with footless tights/ pantyhose? Who wears pantyhose that has a huge run on it? ( Come on it's not that expensive to get a new pair ) Please! Its hurting my eyes.

And darling, you should know that its skanky to wear heels with the price code sticker still on. S.K.A.N.K.Y. Peel it off? Trust me I'm giving you this advice for your own good.

And don't give me 'slack' stares. I've seen you in Boots in the self-tanning section browsing. You can never get my tan. ( I'm being so bitchy but I love my tan, and the best thing is that I don't have to do anything to get it, or make it stay ) Well of course if I stayed under the sun for too long, I'll look burnt and roasted. Just like OBS. Duh, malayan skin.

Essay Pile Up

The most feared has come. 5 essays due in 2 weeks. Once again. The same routine like last term. Only this time 2 are summative which counts towards first year's degree. I'll be lucky I come out of this heart attack and stress free. Too many essays, too many reading materials. too little time. Not that I'm asking for more time, I demand the workload lightened.

The darnest thing happened as well. My speakers stopped working. No!!!!! It hasn't even been 2 months!

This whole entry is pointless. I was having a mental block while writing my International Relations essay, running out of craps to twist and manipulate, so here I am letting it out.

This is so stressful. They're not just essays. They're the silent cause of stress and anxiety. I could get a heart attack.

Snow

It snowed today!!! I was so excited in the morning, but obviously, by afternoon, nothing much is left. It wasn't the thick snow that you can have snowball fights with. Alas, it's just the nuisance sort, which made me almost made me fall! But today, was good day. I just realised, that Snow White and Seven Dwarfs sounds so racist. Not the dwarfs, but the 'princess', Snow White. Skin as white as snow. Such a racist statement. Its funny how some people think they're so superior just because their skin is fairer. I have 'friends' like that too. Its even funnier when you try so hard to change your skin colour. Like getting a tan under the sun, or fake body spray tan even. Like hello? ( I know I sound so bitchy. Can't help it. )

Well, not such a good day. I walked up to the Stone Cottage for my Politics tutorial. Our tutor didn't turn up! Probably still in America. I was so mad! Wouldn't the department have the courtesy to at least email the students? Its a 30 minute-walk, for god's sake!

I'm actually not in the mood to blog. I just wanna say congrats to Tasha who managed to lose 5kgs, during winter, whereas I'm just piling up on winter weight. It sucks to be flabby. Trust me, it's not exactly a mood uplifter when you go shopping for new clothes and you need to go up one size. And it seems fat girls get it so much worse than fat boys. Why is that?

Now that it has snowed, I need to get my knee length boots! I've brought skinny jeans from Malaysia and it's about time they come out of the wardrobe! While I can still fit in them! At least, I think I can.

Single Bed, Double Duvet, Triple Pillows

I never want to get out of bed. Not ever again. I feel like a princess sleeping all day long. It really is the ultimate of my comfort zone. On Thursdays my one and only lecture starts at 3.15pm. And on Fridays, at 12 noon. Monday blues can get to me, but as the week passes by, I'm sailing towards the weekend! Life is always good with timetables like these!

Thank you sayang, for letting me keep your duvet! It's so confortable that although you're not physically here with me, its like I have your arms enveloping me, making me feel safe and secure. I love you Azman =)

I thought I could relax this term. I'm so wrong. More and more reading lists are coming it. It doesn't help either, my laziness. Furthermore at this stage, as I age (or should I say grow older), my brain function deteriorates. God please don't let the process go rapidly! Basically I'm just lazy. I've been far behind in tv series, but I've been catching up. I've been watching Heroes and Lost. Just watched Prison Break's latest too. I refuse to watch Gilmore Girls because I am still stuck at season 5. I haven't even started watching Desperate Housewives the third season, because I don't have any internet sites to watch on. Links anyone ?

Download. That's one thing I can't do here. Stupid university is against people integrating and human interaction. What's wrong with file sharing? Seriously?

Nothing much to blog about actually. I can hear people outside my building just making random noises. Probably drunkards. Must be. One of these days I must burst out in rage and tell them all to shut the fuck up. To keep the sodding noise down. Then again they're too dysfunctional to function. All they know is drink. Apparently if your alcohol level reaches 0.5% you'll die. Severe coma and death. You can get to that with 21 Vodka shots. Don't ask me how I know of all this. Youtube. I have got to get off Youtube right now! I should be reading Philosophy right now. I would if I could but I don't want to! My brain is already falling asleep.

Actually, I don't really mind being around 'happy' drunk people who can't stop laughing and giggling, but I really dislike being around 'annoying' drunk people. Who can't stop complaining and whining about their sad life. As Tasha and I discussed, certain people are just too boring, they need to get drunk just to be interesting. How sad. My sympathy to these people. And when I go to formal, almost every other Tuesday and Thursday, yes, with the Harry Potter robes. I don't have to wait for it to end. When the wine bottles are empty, you can start expecting a range of funny-weird-freak-annoying behaviours, some you could use against the very own person, the next day.

Do not drink. It's just not nice. Ok, maybe cocktails =)

Running out of minutes

I've got that Monday blues. No matter how filled up or free my timetable is, I can never love Mondays. Oh, unless I'm on a term break. Then everyday is a Sunday. My day of rest.

I am seriously running out of minutes. People go like "whoa" when they hear about my phone plan. And wonder how I manage to finish all of those minutes. Seriously though, its not enough. 1500 minutes and 100 texts for month is just not working out for me. Screw the texts, I need more minutes. It'd be nice if they gave me international texts though. They're too many days in a month, too little minutes to spend. Yes, talking to my Azman is never enough. Sometimes time just pass by without you knowing it. Especially when you're on the phone. I still call family, but I still reach to the same conclusion that my minutes are not enough. I'm fine with them charging me for excess usage. But Bloody Hell! 17.5% of VAT! What's that to some, but I'm an international sponsored student with lots of financial constraints. Seriously, they're robbing me poor! It's bad enough that I'm already poor!

It's annoying reading PPE ( Philosophy, Politics and Economics - Triple Honours ) because they expect you to do massive reading on your own. There's never time, let's be honest. I don't go out much, yet there still isn't enough time to read all the bloody necessary reading, what more the recommended readings! Do people not have a sense of logic? It doesn't help either if your lecturers are sooo interesting! They put in sooo much effort to make the lectures interesting! NOT!

My politics lecturer is Greek. She's plain annoying. I can't stand her. Then again, nobody can. She throws everything in your face. Put simply, her lectures aren't conducive for note-taking. She talks so fast you can never write down anything. When she stresses on the fact that this and that is important for exams, she talks even faster. Sometimes it doesn't sound like English at all to me! Its hard enough that when she speaks normally, it still doesn't sound like English. Yes, cut me a lot of slack, my mother tongue is Malay. Even local Brits can't understand her. Her weird accent. Oh yeah, she has a pHD in Politics. Why can't she just photocopy her notes and just pass it on to all of us? Saves us all the hassle.

More whinings will come. Oh yes, I'm going to dinner now. In The Great Hall. In The Castle. Very Grand, but you'll be surprised to hear me bitching about it later.

Why did I take Philosophy ?

Why ? More precisely, why was I forced to take the module : Knowledge and Reality? I remembered the first assignment given : to summarise Descartes' Meditation I.

God, philosophers have got to be the saddest sadist that ever existed! So Tasha, its not just award winning English writers. Philosophers too! Here's an extract from Descartes' Meditation VI, one of the famous craps I have to read and refer to all the time. All I know is at this point, I hate him so much! I despise him! If he was alive I'd curse him! And I know he's a genius and all, but seriously....

"Because, on the one hand, I have a clear and distinct idea of myself, as only a thinking and unextended thing, and as, on the other hand, I possess a distinct idea of body.. only an unextended and unthinking thing, it is certain that I am entirely and truly distinct from my body, and may exist without it"

He is basically saying that the mind and the body are two separate things. Because previously he was thinking otherwise.

Don't you just "love" him ?

I'm back

I know. I keep changing blogs like how I change my phone numbers. Or like how I change my phones. But I can't help it. I need a fresh look. I pretty much screwed up the last one , but it'll always be up and running for sentimental purposes. It's been a long, long while since I last blogged (in any blogs for all that matters), I know. But undeniably it does take up a significant portion of your time no matter how you look at it. Especially when you want to put up all the pictures. Ah well. Blogs have always been my anonymous bitching platform. This function will always perform itself no matter what.

It's a Saturday morning, right before brunch. I'm missing my darling Azman so so much. It's great to be in love. It's great to have someone there for you all the time. I'm sure everyone has been there before. But being in a long distance relationship is not something that can be taken lightly. Initially I was a non-believer in long distance relationships. But we've been together close to 14 months now, and still going on strong. I have countless friends who believed that it was never going to work, and I'm trying to hard not to rub it in your faces people, you might run back to you mommies and cry so hard. But truth is, as skeptical as all of the others were, I made your 1 month mark. Your 2 months mark. Your 6 months mark. And guess what ? We made it past one year, and we're still standing as strong as ever. I know many others have been in relationships longer than this, but this is by far the longest for me, so it's a pretty damn big deal for me. Maybe I should send another reminder out there, this is in fact, without any reasonable doubt, MY blog. My personal space. My platform of freedom of speech. If you don't like it, then you're not welcomed here either. If you're offended by my posts, then you were probably supposed to feel that way. I know it's extremely bitchy of me, but let's face it. Deep down every other bloggers would like to say the same thing. But, =) I was just establishing some ground rules.

I'm going to get ready for brunch now. The only reason while I'm still studying in Durham Univeristy, University College, a.k.a The Castle, is because I'm enjoying reading my degree - Philosophy, Politics and Economics. That's all. There's pretty much nothing left to do here. Except for clubbing and drinking every night. And people talking massively about it the next day. How shallow.

After brunch I'm going to chat with the dearest beloved Azman. I have so much to bitch about. But I have a stomach to fill.

Till then